the very worst dancer in the world!
Remember when we thought we might not ever do this again?
Go to a sold out show, look around for people dancing more awkwardly than you, try different natural places to put the hand that’s not holding your drink. Laugh into the sky lean into your terrible moves the music is so good the beer is so cold your friends are so warm.
Remember when we didn’t know if we’d ever hug them again? If we might lose one, if we might be responsible?
Board a flight? Live out of a suitcase? Lean in close to the bartender to yell your drink order over the noise in the room?
Make a new friend? See your grandparents?
Notice someone’s lipstick?
Hold someone’s hand? Give a high five? Whisper a secret?
Not to be dark, but remember May 2020 when the sourdough novelty wore off and the terror set in and the news was body counts and Trump? God, remember? Parents with older kids trying to help them understand? Parents with babies in an even deeper pit of isolation and loneliness that parents with new babies usually are? People with only themselves to take care of and only themselves? Everyone having it worse, harder, scarier, sadder than most of us could even understand? Heaping forklifts of bad news, and then discarded masks and long, wicked q-tips plastic clogging clogging clogging clogging - and there’s no way out, only through.
Everyone, stop what you’re doing!!!!! It’s time to confront your mortality.
Lives like a car on autopilot, then out of nowhere, T-BONED! Just crushed from the side, and in that spinning spinning chaos you’ve got to decide do you slam on the brakes or let it glide to a stop, hope you don’t hit a tree.
But now! Now! It’s like we’ve all had this near death experience and we’re standing on the ledge looking at each other starting to laugh a little. Can we say what almost happened yet - or is it still happening? Grabbing each other’s forearms, a light finger graze like…. hahaha, we made it? And I mean, at what cost, but also what a GIFT to to look back out over the chasm and imagine starting to move on. If we knew then what we know now, except now we know, and what will we do going forward?
I know sometimes I sound culty or overly spiritual about this experience, but when I try and bring up the depths of my fear and grief I am genuinely humbled and it does make me see everything covered in dewdrops. I’m just so fucking grateful.
Two weeks ago I saw Jamie XX with friends who live in other states, I danced so hard and so badly my legs were sore the next day when I boarded A FUCKING FLIGHT TO PARIS. Imagine! Just that feeling of oh my god being part of the world again! Skimming the world with your fingertips, soaring by, listening to music and walking back to your favorite hotel in your favorite city sobbing on the street because it’s the only way to purge that oil-slick of terror still lining your heart, lingering in your gut, up in the top cavity of your nose - just scraping and scraping and scraping, there’s that nasty old q-tip again. Heart cracking open with the near-escape of it all, ribcage snapping heart exploding, the sick good feeling of ugh I don’t even know, just total pure crystal happiness. Laughing so hard with Albert in Paris, crying laughing about something that happened in real life not on zoom. What the fuck, y’all! What happened. And when will I want to stop talking about it? When will I stop spinning with my arms out saying can you believe it! Here we are! Here we are!
It’s like every mundane thing in the world is the wind and I’m a dog hanging my head out the window, gulping it up, empty fish mouth bulging eyes gasping for life, more more more more more life. Heeeere we go.
And so! Here we go, I’m always saying that - here we are, here we go, it is what it is, and that’s all I’ve got. But that’s all I’ve got right now. A lot of life, a lot of happy feelings, a ton of optimism, even though so much is still bad. Just grateful to be able to take my kids to an art museum and have the kind of experience I planned for them before all this happened. Sincerely fucking grateful.
What I’m also grateful for - excellent pants, things from the men’s department, a splurge, a steal, a really great face serum.
1. First thing, these cords I bought from Uniqlo - I got them in cream, and oh wow they are good. I bought them a size too big, and man. I’m going to wear them every day. The waistband has a little elastic, which TRULY makes them better - I’m not one for elastic waist pants, but these are it.
2. & 3. This brilliant leopard set! I’m so minimal minimal tomboy tomboy and this is just that but also more and what a silly ass bitch I’d be in this full set with a terrific belt. HOT HOT HOT. Pants here and top here.
4. A nylon long parka that’s under $200 - a fantasy! This one is ultra-minimal, has a Prada vibe, and would be so cool with the cords and some New Balances.
5. How could you not love these Grainne Morton earrings? It’s impossible. I love that they make a face around your face.
6. And then, this Cos dress - I got it for myself and it has a wonderful poplin skirt with a close to the body knit top. It’s the best thing for popping on after a shower and then having dinner braless.
7. I love Still By Hand and shop the men’s side at ByGeorge whenever I’m in Austin. I really like the pale pink of this sweatshirt, but it’s not aggressively pink or feminine. It’s more like a clay-pink, and is so pretty.
8. These pants are also Still By Hand, and I know I just said I don’t like elastic waist, I like them when it’s a formal looking pant and worn massively oversized, almost like sweats but they’re trousers. I love these. For me.
9. Wowowowowowwowowow metallic hook & loop sandals - the dream.
10. I was sent this Merit face serum as a gift and it is the shit. Lightly moisturizing, it makes you dewy and bright but isn’t heavy or yucky feeling. It’s been one of the only things I’m using at night and in the morning and my skin looks and feels terrific.
11. Another winner from Merit - this bronzer. It’s mega creamy, has a nice healthy happy finish - it’s not matte, but also doesn’t have any shimmer, more like a faint gloss. Kind of like lightly sweaty and robust.
12. I’m a real pants gal, I have to say, and more often than not I like men’s pants. Here are THE BEST men’s jeans, for anyone to wear. Apparently The Row aren’t going to make this style anymore so get them while the getting is good. They’re EXPENSIVE, and they’re denim but they fit just so beautifully. And there’s no branding! A win.
13. And now, presenting: my splurge of the season. Another pair of pants…SURPRISE!… Ha. But these, I remember when they walked the Bottega show I was drooling on my keyboard. The curved hem is PERFECTION and so special, the cut is really unbelievable. I had to have them. They’re a heavy cotton and in navy rather than black, and I’ll have them forever.
14. Last - my latest impulse purchase, which didn’t make it on to this board, but I can’t wait to get and wear with all my boy clothes. THIS IS THE FEELING OF HAPPY!
Thanks friends, ILY
Love, your friend,
Laurel