The Silly Bitch Returns
It goes a little like this:
Scream! And scream! And scream! Run out for tampons one night, get in your car, zone out and drive all the way up the PCH into Malibu, past Malibu, singing so loud you’re screaming again, and crying, and wait - where are you! Talk and talk and talk! Use your hands when you talk to make them! Understand! Exactly! How full of rage you are that your body! Is not! Your BODY anymore! And then the guns! Cry and cry and cry and cry and cry for all those babies and for their parents and friends and the bedrooms still full of their toys, and shoes, little special things that their families have to do something with? Also! The ground is melting under your feet! And the world you thought you were giving your kids has been so thoroughly stolen from them, how can you ever apologize enough? How can you ever make it up to them? Roaring my terrible roar, gnashing my terrible teeth, rolling my terrible eyes, showing my terrible claws!
This letter, which started as a nice way for me to process all the things about being a woman, sharing beautiful things, started to feel like another expectation I couldn’t meet - another ball of dung, me, the little beetle, couldn’t roll up a hill. Then the dumpster fire of this shithole decade got shittier and shittier and I was useless with despair.
Didn’t have anything to say! And I still don’t, except this. When everything else is on fire, let your freak flag fly.
It’s my silly bitch summer. I’m a horny baby now, a stupid woman, a super-cunt. If you’re going to punish me for being a woman anyway, I’m going to be the silliest, brattiest, potty-mouthed no-no of a woman you’ve ever seen. I’ll be the dumbest bitch on earth! Where’s my crown!
Spending nearly an hour blow drying my hair high on edibles. Running around Paris with like I’m twenty two again. Sleeping with my kids and their Udon noodle limbs wrapped around mine. Buying beautiful thing I can’t really afford. Putting my mouth against my son’s mouth and breathing into each other’s lungs. Daydreaming about bad things happening to Ted Cruz and Greg Abbott. Listening to the music I loved in my party days. Partying like I did in my party days. Being the oldest one at the party and wearing the dumbest outfit. Not apologizing, not always showering, not being a brave little helper, telling disgusting jokes, drinking too much, eating too much, rubbing my skin with oils then grinding them into the sheets. Talking too much, too much, too much.
Picturing everything as a pile of glitter in the palm of my hand. Then blowing it into the wind, bitch. Blow, baby. Blow.
~~Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooösh~~
Fire your therapist, get a Substack! Anyway! Welcome back, it’s been weird, but we’re STILL HERE! Ta-da!
I’m going to try and get back to this regularly, in some form. Trying to take some of the pressure off myself to spill the beans every week, you know?
So anyway, to give you the real rombo-combo experience, I did a shopping list too. It’s been forever since I’ve done one, so here are things I’ve gotten recently that have truly improved the quality of my life, or things I’ve been thinking seriously about. Winners only here baby. My style mantra these days is Rich Parisian Grandma, so here’s how I get there.
Two things that I forgot to add here but are truly life changing - my Dyson thing, and these Wrangler jeans. The jeans have zero nice pictures of them online anywhere, exvept this article by Simone Kitchens (the best) for The Strategist. They’re under $50, zero distressing, zero stretch, just hot ass bitch old school rigid denim. I wear them three or four times a week at least. The Dyson Air Wrap has totally changed my hair. Remember when I said I spend an hour blow drying it? it really only takes about 15 minutes to give myself an excellent blow out, I just love getting stoned and continuing to brush it and play with it. It feels so, so good. It’s insanely expensive, but insanely worth it.
1 & 2: Erin Lee Smith (our Beauty Director at ByGeorge) convinced me to take the plunge with Augustinus Bader, and it really truly does the thing. The face cream has changed the tone and texture of my skin completely, and since using this lip balm, I’ve pushed my others to the side and just use this one once a day at night. My lips are softer, less flaky, generally better. Cream, $280; Lip Balm, $40
3: This wrap dress is sooooooooo lovely, simple, classic, great with clogs, sandals, heels, very -sheeeeeeeek. Wrap Dress, $231
4: This is another Amazon find, it’s the right amount of worn-in, very cozy, and looks great dressed down or with wide-leg trousers. Sweatshirt, $28
5: Another great find from Cos - I love this color yellow, it’s very peppy (and preppy) but not corny or junior. I’d wear it alone or over these Row leggings that I wear with everything else. Those Row leggings might be the lowest cost/wear of anything in my closet. Dress, $135
6: I tried on these men’s Dries pants in Paris - they are SO beautiful. Ultimately I got a men’s suit and had to put these back, but I’m second guessing my judgement. I’ve found that Dries men’s pants and jackets fit my body very, very well. Plus, these are majorly on sale. Pants, $382
7: I want these….so much. I think I’d wear them with everything, I’ve wanted a pair for years, this fall it’s happening. Tabi Flats, $690
8: Indress is a brand we’re carrying at ByGeorge - we’re getting our fall delivery soon, but when I was in the shop in Paris it was very tough for me to not take this perfect camel corduroy blazer. It’s nice and boxy but also soft and casual. Would be great with my Wranglers, or those Dries pants, or over a slinky dress, or whatever ever ever. Extremely rich Parisian grandma. Blazer, $465
9: This Wandler bag! I love all things Wandler, and every time I go to Austin to visit the store I fondle this bag. The leather is so beautiful, the color is great, and it can hold a ton. Wandler bag, $795
10: On a whim I got this little tennis skirt and I’ve worn it a billion times. It has little built-in shorties, and is the perfect true Navy. I love it with everything. Skirt, $18
11: And finally, if I didn’t have kids pulling on me all day this is the swimsuit I’d wear. Mine would pull this of my boobs in one second, but isn’t it gorgeous? Swimsuit, $89
That’s all, here we are, I love you.
Love, Your Friend
Laurel
So glad this is BACK!
Wow wow yes ❤️