This week was supposed to be about kids getting older, and how some of the bittersweetness of seeing them turn into people is also in realizing you’re becoming less relevant, the omg I can’t believe he’s 5 is also omg I can’t believe I’m 5 years older when I started this and time is passing and I’m going to die one day. How every year they get older is another year farther away from the person you were before you had kids.
But I’m somewhere else, in a related but different thread. My daughter started preschool this week. It’s unbearably cute seeing her with her tiny rainbow backpack that’s too heavy for her to carry. (“Iss hevveee"!”) I live for the photo updates from her school. I’m overwhelmed with joy to see her sitting in a tiny chair in a room full of other babies in their own tiny chairs.
But also, letting go of her little hand, passing her off to her teacher, that cheerful see you soon! at the school gate when she’s screaming her head off - it feels like a betrayal. Her soft tiny legs scrabbling up my body trying to hold on while I peel her off of me and coo I know your body will be safe here. Who taught us to talk to our kids like that anyway?
Feeling like a disappointment. Especially because I wasn’t even physically there for her first day - I was traveling.
And then there’s work. Trying to be helpful and productive from a distance, but not being able to give it everything I did before kids, before Covid. Feeling like dead weight, aging meat.
And then there’s friends. Not being able to catch up on the group texts. Hurting someone’s feelings and not knowing what to say. Never really listening to what they’re saying because your own mind is a ticking tape of other boring shit. Feeling like a let down, a flake.
And then there’s the news, pop culture, new runway shows, every cultural beat you’re supposed to keep up with that never stops bubbling up, and won’t slow down long enough for me to take a life-saving breath.
On one hand, I feel grateful to be in a place where most of these things I can kind of ignore. On the other, maybe I’m on an emotional hangover from feeling so good and so much happening, but this week I’m torturing myself a little, spiraling spiraling spiraling.
I’m seeing so many people whose perspectives I really respect having coherent thoughts about the state of fashion and clothes, and I’m over here like - wait, what?
I’ve been talking and writing for so long about accepting the fact that I’m always going to let someone down - that it’s necessary for my survival - but this week I just want to be useful again. Or at least have something to say? You know?
And then Jesus it’s so boring to complain! But I can’t help it! I feel like life right now is eighteen of those giant orange five-gallon buckets from Home Depot, and I’m trying to fill each one with a dropper of Visine. I keep remembering how productive I used to feel, I’d put my kids down and then exercise, write, work, even just watch TV and PAY ATTENTION, and now the best I can do is make it into bed and read three pages of a book I’ve already read before before I pass out.
I guess this is the juggle. I never thought I would be old enough or together enough to worry or even think about how to ~have it all~ but I guess this is what it looks like. Going into a grocery store and not getting a basket, then walking around with too much in your arms, everything dropping everywhere? Half-assing adulthood? Wah wah wah… Feeling sad and weird about feeling sad and weird and being in a headspace of dissecting every conversation and then self-diagnosing as freak.
And not even in a sexy way!
But then also, living your whole life like a horny baby not giving any fucks is bound to burn some bridges, or cause some problems, even if it does feel amazing. So here we are, back to school, thinking about all the things I forgot to think about before.
Basta!
Here are some things I like this week.
1, 2, 3. I recently got a kind of beigey-yellow button down that’s Old Céline, so this is not that, but it’s pretty close. And then a perfect blue stripe button down (I get asked about mine a lot - mine is very old men’s Steven Alan, but I like the thickness of these stripes better), and then last, a French terry polo shirt! Ok yes!!!!!!! I just love shirts! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. 1. Toteme shirt, $330; 2. Frankie Shop shirt, $165; 3. Nili Lotan popover, $295.
4. A pair of Row sandals massively on sale! The Row sandals, $255.
5. I finally felt this Baina bath mat in person - it is so puffy and soft, and soooo pretty, more orangey than bright red so it doesn’t look too much like Hot Topic. I ordered it in green, but inside I wanted orange. Baina bath mat, $80.
6. I very much want this nylon bag from The Row. Can I, please? The Row tote, $920.
7. And this! It’s a brick, but also a candle holder. Don’t sleep on Ssense’s home section, friends. Niko June candle holder, $95.
8. A very cute little grouping of vases. You get all four for $230 - hot. Polspotten vases, $230.
9. Men’s Jil Sander sweater VERY MUCH ON SALE. Jil Sander sweater, $323.
10. Jacquemus dress also very much on sale… Jacquemus dress, $185.
11. Aaaaaand Dries men’s blazer, totally on sale. Dries van Noten blazer, $274.
12. A cutie pie little lamp… I’d love this for my bedside. I find I only read on my kindle because I’m too lazy to get up and turn off the light when I’m done and I don’t have a bedside lamp, so maybe this lamp would make me *smarter*. Siup Studio lamp, $170.
13. A shirting striped duvet cover! Dreamy! Tekla duvet cover, $190.
14. And then these cutie pie little capris - I got a pair of Gauge 81 capris when I was last in Austin at ByGeorge, and I’ve been wearing them everywhere. Then also my friend Albert came out wearing some with a big oversized short sleeved and very structured cream sweatshirt and looked so cool. I know I’m late to the long bike short thing, but I’m enjoying mine with oversized button downs, and also matching black muscle tanks, tucked in. Leggings, $95.
That’s all - I love you.
Your friend,
Laurel
Half-Assing / Whole-Assing
I feel exactly the same! Thank you for putting it into words!
I laughed the whole way through this post and although it's not funny to rejoice at someone else's "misery", it is funny to realize that you're not alone in feeling all over the place sometimes. Your writing style is so refreshing and relatable.... even though I don't have kids, I don't work in fashion and am only an aspiring writer!